Seriously, if my phone rings one more bloody time I’m going to lose my mind. Why would a phone call convince someone to vote for your loser candidate anyway? Just because the governor leaves a 10 minute message on my voicemail letting me know that Hillary is in fact the second coming of Christ, it will have no impact on me one way or the other. I take that back, it has a negative impact on me. I now loathe even the sound of the word Hillary and I get dry heaves at the mention of Obama.

If I see one more skinny, old, grey, straggly ponytail wearing hippie with a clipboard climbing my stairs extolling the virtues of Obama, I’m buying a gun and joining the NRA immediately. Aren’t you missing an important heart-warming story on NPR or something? Go home, get off my porch, go compost something. Hey, isn’t it your turn to stock the shelves at the co-op? There’s a folk singer down at the coffee shop, it’s his last set, if you hurry you can catch him.