I was uploading another batch of boring videos that I took of Alex and his grandfather when I stumbled upon a treasure trove of some of the most entertaining videos I’ve seen in awhile. They are of the train wreck variety and I just can’t stop watching them.

The first video I saw was just plain crazy:

And then I found that she also likes to dance for the camera. Now it was very hard to choose which of her wonderful dances I should post, I’ll start with “I Think I Love You.”

Next up, “Boogie Woogie Country Girl,” you can see why it was so hard for me to choose just one:

I’ve been really sick and out of commission for almost a week now. There’s been a lot of laying like a motionless corpse on the couch, coughing and nose blowing. As a result, I have watched ten tons of television. My TV spree kicked off on Sunday when I happened upon an America’s Next Top Model marathon. Something I’ve never had the slightest interest in before suddenly became the most riveting bit of entertainment I’d ever seen and I could not be torn away. I watched an entire season in one day and I was ever so pleased when Eva, the girl I picked from the beginning, turned out to in fact be “America’s Next Top Model.”

All jazzed up on Ben Kingsley from watching “You Kill Me” the previous week (we loved it), I tivoed another one of his movies and we wasted two hours of our lives watching a serious piece of dreck called “A Sound of Thunder.” Did someone force Sir Ben to do this “movie” at gunpoint? Did he need to come up with a couple million really fast to pay off his gambling debts? Was he suffering from temporary insanity?

Seriously, what was Gandhi doing in this horrid pile of crap? The special effects were so bad they weren’t even laughable. You know how they film the actors against a green screen and put the scenery in digitally and then the actors just walk around and do their thing as if they’re actually there. Well, this was so bad I think they were pretending to walk (like a mime does), it looked really stupid. They were also so clearly not in the scene that had they been projecting a movie in the background and acting in front of it on a stage it would have looked more realistic.

You know a movie blows when you cheer for the characters to get killed. We were thrilled every time a creature dragged one of the cast members off the screen. As a matter of fact, we also wished they’d grab a few of the cast members from the L Word and kill them too. Yes, we watch the L Word. We’re not up to the current season but we’re plodding through last season. This really could have been a good show but the writers have put these idiot women simultaneously in every extreme situation that they can think of—it is tedious and annoying. Every year they ratchet up the ridiculous scenarios which occur simultaneously to such a degree that we dread certain story lines and wince or swear when some characters show up. Why do we keep watching? Probably because there’s nothing else on TV right now. Just how many Law & Order reruns can a person watch? (FYI - tons if you live here).

TV is so lame right now that I’ve taken to tivoing old shows. My current obsessions are the Golden Girls and Still Standing. I love the Golden Girls so much that I found myself online this morning looking up lines that Sophia said because I was curious how to spell Bacca Gallupe properly. I have not found a definitive resource for this spelling so if I’m wrong let me know, because I want to call someone a “dumb bacca gallupe” just like Sophia and I think it’s important to be able to spell the insults I use.

Wrapping up today’s TV review I’d like to mention that I’m thrilled they brought American Gladiators back and I happened to stumble upon an appalling show the other night called “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader.” I was immediately hooked  when the first thing I see is a college girl who is asked the question “is the kidney part of the digestive system?” She thinks and thinks and doesn’t know the answer so she defers to the panel of 5th graders to answer for her. The host asks her how she would have answered the question and she says she would have said yes. Well I guess she was at least smart enough to let a 10 year old answer for her because they said no and she won $25,000.

Seems I needed to post my intermission music again and forgot, where does all the time go? My parents always told me that the older you get the faster time flies and if that’s not the God’s honest truth I don’t know what is! I’d swear just yesterday I was 26 so how the hell did I suddenly turn 40?

But anyway, that’s not actually the point of today’s post. It’s winter and it’s cold. The days are short and I suffer from SAD. It has been gloomy and raining for what seems like weeks and this leaves me in a somewhat miserable state. I’ve got my SAD light therapy lamp fired up but it’s no match for me.

Then, like a ray of sunlight in a damp, dark cave, bluberd comes over for an Olde Fashioned Attic Party and the winter depression is lifted. Whoever invented the SAD lights should look into attic parties, they work faster and are much cheaper.

(photo posted without permission from bluberd)

You can’t tell from the photo but we actually drank responsibly (for us) and got to bed before the sun came up. We were fine the next morning and were able to follow our plans for breakfast and a photo shootin’ hike in the woods.

Aside from the minor mishap of me falling on the rocks as we were crossing the Wissahickon it went well. It was a warm day with some sun too so it was like I hit the jackpot this weekend.

Side story:

While in the woods, Josie, our big dog, found some dead pile of animal to roll in so I’ve been trying to get the stench out of her harness and collar. This means while I’m de-stinking it, we have to hook her backup leash to her old collar. This isn’t usually a big deal but today my heart almost stopped when I was out walking her. We’re in the home stretch about 100 yards from the house when she spots the mailman. I try to quickly hustle her home but she puts on the dog brakes, slips out of the collar and hauls ass right for him. I had a bag of poop in one hand and a Chihuahua on a string in the other, in a split second I yell “HEY - MAILMAN!!!! - my dog got loose and is heading for you - SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!”

I flung the poop bag off who knows where, scooped up the Pig and ran after Josie. I got there just in time to see her puffed up like a razorback, snarling and frothing at his feet, and then he quickly pepper sprayed her, stopping her in less than a second. I was apologizing like there was no tomorrow and he was apologizing the same for having sprayed her. I told him I was very grateful he did, better that than any number of really ugly scenarios that could have happened. Good thing he heard me yell to him so he could prepare because he was behind a truck walking the other way and would have had no idea that Cujo was approaching.

Note to self: Buy backup harness for Josie.

During these miserable days of kitchen remodeling that you are forced to endure, I hope the spirit of Nellie Olson keeps you strong. Practice these faces, use where appropriate, and don’t let the contractors get you down.

Here’s a little song I thought you’d like today: 

If you read my last post where I mentioned Dora the Explorer, you already know that I detest this show. As luck would have it, while I was searching for a photo of Muno, I happened across an SNL spoof of Dora.

I don’t know if it is just my passionate hatred or not, but this really makes me laugh and it so perfectly captures the true essence of this awful show.

For awhile now I’ve tried to see if Alex is interested in watching TV and for the most part he wants nothing to do with the television. I’ve tried all the shows and none of them capture his attention, some of which I’m very grateful for. I hope he never likes that nauseating Dora the Explorer for example, two seconds of listening to those horrible, high-pitched, whiny children’s voices shouting instead of talking makes me want to throw a brick through the TV screen.

But I digress, the actual direction I was going here is that earlier this week we stumbled upon Yo Gabba Gabba and found that the wee boy likes this show. So we watched a few episodes and then suddenly one day I’m looking at it and I realize that what may seem to be your run of the mill, blobby, abstract characters may not be exactly what they appear to be. I found it somewhat peculiar and intriguing.

You see, the creators would like to think the character Muno is a tall, friendly monster. However, if you take a second look, it would seem that this big, red cyclops has a doppelganger which can be found in any sex toy shop. No, this is not a product of my perverted mind, if any of you have seen this show I’m sure you’ve come to the same conclusion. I’m not even going to get started on the fact it is covered in little bumps. Do you think this was intentional? It had to be, there’s no way that there wasn’t a single person at the studio that noticed this fact. Here, judge for yourselves:

The jury is still out on Foofa, she’s looking a little butt-plug-esque to me. Now how could the religious right have a problem with Tinky Winky and totally miss the fact that Yo Gabba Gabba is a front for The Pleasure Chest?

Yes, there is yet another Chinese toy recall. Stop the madness.

Sometimes I feel like there are parts of my body that are out to get me too:

It looks like my blog and all of my internet activity for that matter are going to be suffering from a serious lack of attention for awhile. I decided a long time ago that I didn’t want to turn the blog into just another person’s day to day account of what their kid is doing so that leaves me with very little to say at the moment.

However, tonight I can’t seem to fall asleep. I’ve been laying in bed forever thinking that at any moment I’d be out but it’s just not happening. This is a real bummer because I thought my insomnia problem had vanished when Alex showed up. I’ve been all proud of myself and as a matter of fact, just a few hours ago at dinner I was boasting about it. Stupid fool.

I finally decided to just get up and go sit out in the back yard (I use the term loosely) to look at the sky. It was all quiet, not a creature was stirring, or so I thought. How this happened I’ll never know, but something hit me in the head. This is a big fear of mine because of my rat’s-nest-like hair. I’m always afraid of a big bug flying in there and getting tangled up etc., but I remained calm and told myself it was just a falling leaf. Deep down I knew the weight of whatever just hit me was greater than a leaf. Slowly I put my hand up to feel around my hair—nothing, nothing, nothing—uh oh—something—something gooey—something slimy—something wet. Something shit on my head, “you must be kidding” I thought. But no, I went inside to look at the smear on my hand and it was indeed a very large quantity of birdshit. 

What the??? What birds are out and about at 1:15 a.m. just poopin’ up a storm? My luck there’s one insomniac bird out there and it lives at my house—little bastard.

Well, that’s my story, not that exciting but at least it didn’t involve baby naps or the number of raspberries it takes to make Alex smile. I guess I’ll try to get some sleep but I know I’ll still be paranoid that there’s bird poo hiding in a curl somewhere.

I’ve been hoping someone would give me something to write about since I’ve been more or less stymied for awhile now. As luck would have it, my little five foot nothing (her words not mine) blog friend Gay has tagged me.

The rules are: List 7 random things about yourself.
Tag 7 others and direct them to your site to get the rules.

I don’t actually know 7 others to tag but I can list 7 random things - here they are:

1. If my sister had enough money when we were children she no doubt would have hired a hitman to whack me. 

2. When I was in 9th grade I was a starter on the JV volleyball team. I loved it and had a great time until one day when I made a very big mistake.

We had practice every day after school and our school’s teams were always section champs etc. so they ran their practices like boot camp, literally. The coach was a real “see you next tuesday” if you catch my drift, and she was particularly hard on me. I always thought it was because she and my mother played bridge at the same country club and my mother was better than she was, but I digress.

Anyhoo, after being beaten to a pulp we’d end the day with serving practice. Every two minutes the coach would scream at me from across the gym and I guess I just couldn’t take it any more and snapped under the pressure. I got her in my sights and served a bullet right at her while shouting, and I quote, “get off my back you stupid bitch!“  

I don’t think I started another game that season and it didn’t go much better for me the next year either. Her husband was the Varsity coach. I switched to tennis my junior year.

3. My middle name is Joy which, unfortunately, has been ironic all too often. 

4. The town I grew up in was very “white bread,” but my family wasn’t that plain. Some things that went on in my house just couldn’t be found in anyone else’s and I always thought that was great.

For example, my grandmother (Yia Yia) was from Greece and she was very “colorful” to say the least. For most of my life she lived in Florida and when I was young she used to fly up to visit for a couple weeks every now and then. When my Dad would bring her home from the airport it would take him forever to get all her baggage into the house and we couldn’t wait until it was all unloaded because that was when the fun started.

There was one bag for her clothes which contained various dresses, moo moos, gowns, fancy slippers and the like. One for cosmetics, a thousand different shades of maroon nail polish and miscellaneous bric-a-brac (this was my favorite bag because her finger cymbals and castanets were usually in there). One that housed whatever giant afghan she was crocheting. One that was just full of other bags and twisty ties (why I don’t know). One that contained a myriad of bizarre “gifts.” And perhaps one or two others that were reserved for at least 20-30 avocados, mangoes and whatever else that she picked off her trees that morning (I’m not kidding).

My friends would often want to be there when Yia Yia visited, I suppose they couldn’t resist the carnival-like atmosphere. I don’t think there was a person in Horseheads who had ever seen an avocado before in their lives. One day she was giving my friend and I avocado facials and then decided that if it was good for the face it was good for arms, legs and any other exposed bits. Now that was fun! Best I ever got at my friend’s grandma’s house was a cookie and milk.

Ah, I could fill a blog for a year with stories about her but this post is already too long.

5. I often used to plan to cheat on tests and would spend hours writing elaborate cheat sheets. I never had to use them though because I spent so much time with the information trying to smush it onto miniature pieces of paper that I actually learned the material.

6. Embarrassing as this is to admit, it wasn’t until late in high school when I realized that people got pneumonia, not ammonia. Worse than that, I made it to college thinking that people got ahernia not a hernia.

7. I haven’t read a book in over a year and the only book of fiction I’ve read in probably the last 5+ years is The Da Vinci Code. At some point I became only drawn to nonfiction and it is a rare occasion when I’ll read a regular old novel. I guess I decided that if I was going to spend time reading, I wanted to be learning something.