Warning: this post may be so annoying that you punch yourself in the face half way through.

I thought my insomnia was mostly cured after Alex arrived almost a year ago, however, lately I’ve started having problems again. It would seem that I cannot stop the internal dialogue when it’s time to sleep. I can be exhausted and barely able to keep my eyes open, but as soon as I turn off that light - the Chatty Cathy switch gets flipped in my brain and it’s over Johnny.

We found a fantastic herbal remedy that worked like a charm for awhile but over the last couple weeks I’ve started waking up around 3:30 a.m. and finding that going back to sleep is a daunting task as Chatty Cathy picks up right where she left off a few hours earlier.

Making matters worse, the reason I’ve been waking up at 3:30 for the last week is often because I’m having a nightmare. They started the night we watched I Am Legend. Of course the week prior we watched 28 Days Later which had already teed my overactive brain up to endlessly ponder what I would do in the event that I was one of the last people on Earth running for my life. So duh, what did I think would happen when I watched another apocalyptic mutant movie anyway?

Well, I didn’t expect it would give me nightmares like I was a little kid or something. The last time a movie gave me this brand of nightmare was in second grade. The nightmares lasted an entire year after a babysitter let me stay up past my bedtime and watch some mummy movie with her all night. It got so bad I dreaded going to sleep, I literally couldn’t shut my eyes without seeing the mummy.

I realize this is stupid (but remember I cannot control my thoughts), there was something so utterly hopeless and absolutely chilling to me about the movie, that it instantly burned an image/idea into my brain that I cannot get rid of. The first few days after seeing it, when I’d go to bed I had no control over repeatedly going through the movie scene by scene and deciding what I would have done or analyzing why Will Smith’s character did what he did. It’s like when you get a song stuck in you’re head and it won’t go away.

I find this problem I have so disturbing that I’ve actually sought professional help in the past, (clearly they were no help). For example, a couple years ago when watching an episode of the Sopranoes, there was a name casually mentioned in a conversation that I’m going to try not to remember here, anyway, the name got stuck in my head on an endless loop. It became a maddening mantra for weeks. Sometimes I’d have to yell “stop it” out loud to try and break the repetition. Freak.  I’ve got a brain that skips like a broken record, like it or lump it I guess.

Back to I Am Legend, there were a few things in the movie that I thought were very illogical that I know I should write off as artistic license and move on but I just won’t allow myself to let go of it. Actually, illogical isn’t what I’m looking for here but I can’t think of the right word, it’s close but not quite. Maybe inconsistent or incongruous? Now you see how I work, I’m going to obsess over the word I’m looking for all night while I try to sleep. Damn me. (I’d give you an example from the movie but I hate people who tell me things that happen in movies I haven’t seen.)

So anyway, get this, the movie gets so stuck in my brain I decide to look it up online to see what other people have to say about it, dumb move #1. Next, I find someone who posted the alternate ending and… I watched it. Uh, hello you dimwit!!! Is anybody home? Good job genius, let’s dig up more awful things to think about, remind me again how those horrible mutants look and act because I’ve almost gotten the image out of my mind, I need a refresher, brilliant!

At least I liked the alternate ending much better than the one they actually used in the movie and oddly enough, there must have been something about it that settled an issue in my mind because I stopped rehashing it every night while trying to go to sleep, unfortunately, the nightmares remain. Maybe I’ll just take a Lunesta tonight and see if that doesn’t get me through to the morning.

P.S.
I decided to see what the internet had to say about my repetitive thought problem and here’s what I found:
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is a anxiety disorder that about one million people in the United States suffer from. Those suffering from the disorder have repetitive thought, images, or ideas that they can not get out of their head.

Now, if I just found that in two seconds, why did the “professionals” have no idea what I was talking about and make me think I was an idiot? Whatever.

I know that I am a broken record with this sleeplessness thing I have going on, but I have never experienced something so bizarre. It would seem that my body just doesn’t remember how to fall asleep, I don’t understand this at all. February marks the seventh month of my insomnia. Seven months, WTF! No wonder I look like I’ve aged ten years in the space of one.

I would write about something else if I could think of anything, but I can’t, so I thought I’d see what others have to say about sleep: 

How do people go to sleep?  I’m afraid I’ve lost the knack.  I might try busting myself smartly over the temple with the night-light.  I might repeat to myself, slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound; if I can remember any of the damn things. 
~ Dorothy Parker

When you have insomnia, you’re never really asleep, and you’re never really awake. 
~ From the movie Fight Club, based on the novel by Chuck Palahniuk

Sleeping is no mean art:  for its sake one must stay awake all day. 
~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Insomnia is a gross feeder.  It will nourish itself on any kind of thinking, including thinking about not thinking.
~ Clifton Fadiman
 

I can’t say that I actually have a resolution or an intention for this week’s self-portrait challenge, it is more like a hope or wish. This will be my sixth month of endless insomnia and it is my fondest desire right now to be able to actually fall asleep on my own without the aid of a pill.

It is amazing and maddening that no matter how tired I am, if I don’t take a pill you can guarantee I will still be awake for sunrise.

I think the lack of real sleep and not drug induced sleep has taken a serious toll on me. I can’t concentrate or think. I look like something the cat dragged in half the time and I usually have little or nothing of consequence to say (which is another reason my poor blog has been so neglected lately).

So if the powers that be would kindly allow me to get some sleep without Lunesta, I will be eternally grateful. 

There are many reasons I want the adoption to hurry up and just come to an end but the most important reason right at this moment is my health.

I think we’re all pretty certain that at least 85% of the problem I have with insomnia is due to the adoption. I’m having more frequent bouts with anxiety attacks and for the last three weeks or so, anything I eat makes me nauseous. In fact, the mere idea of eating is disturbing at times.

I keep wrenching my back and now I’m frequently doing something to knock the ribs out of alignment in my chest which causes serious pain and makes it difficult to breath at times. At least I have an excellent chiropractor, there’s something to be grateful for!

Not knowing when the “big event” may take place is unnerving to me, as is the fact that at the last minute the real mother can decide she wants to keep him. We have a million things to do in the house to get ready for him but I seem to be paralyzed and unable to begin. Sure, the chance she’ll want him back is small, but it exists and if I were to get the house all fixed up for him and then the adoption tanks, I think I’d snap. But somehow, we still have to do it, I have to suck it down.

Well, that’s it for today. The anxiety has been draining all of my creativity and I’ve had nothing to say for days now. See, there’s another reason this adoption needs to pick up the pace, if it goes on much longer my poor blog will become completely neglected. I even missed the self-portrait challenge this week, that bummed me out.

Oh well, I’m sure this will all be over soon enough, right? It’s going on four years of my life down the toilet and I’m ready for it to stop.

I thought it was a good time to provide some updates on the various topics I’ve discussed over the last few months.

Kitchen remodeling:
We are still waiting for the contractor to finish the job. He needs to replace the crown molding, install the basement door and a few other minor fixes here and there. The jerk keeps making appointments to come over here and then never shows up. We would just find someone else to do it, however, it turned out that when he tiled the floor, one of his assistants washed all the grout down the drain in the back yard which then hardened and blocked up the pipe. It cost $200 to have the pipe cleared and we want the contractor to pay for this, which I think is only fair.

Adoption:
The latest estimate we’ve been given is that we are 2-3 months away from completion. We are at step 11 on the adoption process checklist.

Art:
I have actually managed to start a painting which I have been working on for about a month and a half now. It is making me so happy to be up in the studio playing with my paints again.

This painting is for bluberd’s big fat 40th birthday and it is taking so long to paint I don’t know if I’ll have it done in time. Here’s a little snippet to whet your appetite:

Insomnia:
I still don’t have the ability to fall asleep on my own. I read somewhere that you are considered to have insomnia if it takes you a half hour to fall asleep. Ha! That’s a laugh. If it took me a half hour to fall asleep I’d think I had narcolepsy.

I continued taking the Lunesta all month even though it still takes me an hour or so to fall asleep and the taste is disgusting. It’s better than staring at the ceiling all night. I just refilled the prescription and this new batch seems like it is a lot stronger. I took the first one Monday night and within 15 minutes I was in such a drug haze that I couldn’t walk right. The next morning I woke to find that I went to bed in what I had been wearing all day, luckily I was lucid enough to take off my hiking shoes first. (and no, I wasn’t drinking)

Thanksgiving flood:
We received the check from our home insurance and now have to find the time to get yet another contractor over here to quote for repairing the damage. I am not looking forward to this.

I guess the only thing this post is missing is a song.
Here’s the latest mp3 I’ve been torturing your painting with bluberd:

Have you ever had the legitimate feeling that a couple months in a mental hospital would really do you some good?

Does it ever seem like you’re trying to dig a whole in sand right at the edge of the ocean?

How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop?

Yes indeed, it is 4:55 a.m. and I am still awake. That stinking, trillion dollar Lunesta is doing nothing. it worked like a charm the first night, less charming the second night and zippo last night. I guess my body learns fast and will not tolerate being forced into doing something it does not want to do.

With all this time one my hands, I have of course gone to the internet to see what others are saying about Lunesta. Here are a few interesting tidbits I’ve found:

“Lunesta actually doesn’t work that well,” he said. Jacobs defines insomnia as taking 30 minutes or more to fall asleep. “When people take Lunesta for six months, they still take an average of 45 minutes to fall asleep. That’s not great. It means that you still have significant insomnia,”
from reflector.com 

“Lunesta, in my opinion, was developed to work on insomniac virgins … veteran insomniacs will not experience any sustained benefit from using this medication. Sonata and Ambien will not work long term for the same reason. If Lunesta says otherwise, they are misleading you.”

“the first night I took the Lunesta I slept fine, fell asleep quickly and only woke a few times, and drifted back off soon thereafter. However, I took it last night and nothing. I mean, I felt a little groggy for a while but never got that “kick” into sleep.”

from talkaboutsleep.com

The other problem I’m having with this crap is the positively wretched taste it leaves in your mouth. The first night I thought it was perhaps stuck in my throat so I drank a ton of water and ate some crackers etc. with no relief, it actually seemed to make it worse. Then I had the same experience each night thereafter. This foul taste stays with you for a very long time, well into the next day too.

Guess what, I found a whole message board devoted entirely to the suck-ass taste that Lunesta leaves in your mouth. One person wanted to take it back for a refund soon after taking it. Can you do that? Because I’d love to get my money back.

What the…

Everyone (on the “inside”) knows it’s because Lunesta is actaully made from butterflies; mainly monarchs, which accounts for the horrible aftertaste.
from the same message board

Is that B.S.? Could that be true? I haven’t found anything online to support this statement.

Ach! Am I doomed to be some creepy-crawly nocturnal creature? Long ago, mammals moved about in darkness in order to escape predators such as dinosaurs, perhaps I’m just a throwback. My forehead is pretty big, maybe it’s the last remnant from my Cro-Mangnon heritage?

Well now I’m just rambling.

It is 6:05 a.m., I suppose it’s time to try and fall asleep again, the sky is getting lighter and I cannot risk direct sunlight for fear of spontaneous combustion.

Well, my dear associate hauled my sorry ass into the doctor’s office today due to the fact that I have barely slept since around August, I am eating less than ever and my mental state is a little, hmmm, lets say sketchy at times lately.

So the Dr. is starting me off with a small prescription of Lunesta. I got less than 30 pills today for about $105. Holy cow, what is this crap made of? Platinum?

I took my first pill tonight about a half hour ago and the only thing I notice is an odd taste in my mouth as if the pill is lodged in my throat, very disturbing. I’m blinking a lot, maybe I am getting tired.

It’s a few minutes later now and I just looked at the clock with very slow eyes. My head is feeling a little marshmallowy. Gak, that taste is still there and no amount of water is washing it away.

The real test will be when I go to bed. Historically when I have insomnia, I can be completely tired but as soon as I lay down and try to sleep, I’m suddenly as awake as if it were 1:00 in the afternoon.

(This is the actual piddly little pile of pills that cost me $105 stinking dollars.)

Ok, it just took me three tries to get the picture of my zillion dollar sleeping pills posted. It seems I kept typing jpf instead of jpg and thinking it was fine. Maybe I am mellowing out.

I better go lay down in case I miss a window of opportunity to pass out or something.

I haven’t slept well in over three months and it really shows. I am looking pretty rough these days, my associate told me that in general I look grey. The past two nights I haven’t fallen asleep until at least 5:00 a.m. I don’t have the energy to eat or shower and I really don’t feel like working.

No one usually gets to see how truly splendid I look while working at home, but since the self-portrait challenge’s theme this month is looking beyond the surface of your life and showing your imperfect self, well, here it is.