What a wonderful day we had over here at the house that Scrooge built. Crazy Aunt Vicky came to town yesterday with her even crazier dog Harry and this made Alex all kinds of giddy gumdrops. It made him so excited in fact that this afternoon, he suddenly stopped protesting walking and realized that he needed a better way to get over to his wacky aunt and her looney dog as quickly as possible.

So he finally stood his cute little butt up and just walked across the room.

Then he decided to show off his smooth dance moves, proving that he could have been walking for months but, as he puts it ”just didn’t feel like it“…

We all burst into wild, uproarious applause, as if he’d just scored the winning goal at the world cup. He really got into the spirit of it and started to imitate our applause…

Evidently over-stimulated from the applause and glee, he proceeded to projectile vomit all over Aunt Vicky, this was followed by big laughs and more applause. 

He finished the evening’s performance with a Cher impression. (He really knows his way to my heart.)

The Cher impression gave me the great idea to watch my favorite movie, so after the wee boy hit the hay, we poured ourselves some Cosmopolitans, baked some Tombstone pizzas and watched Moonstruck. A most excellent evening indeed!

Ah, yes, nothing says Christmas like the traditional unfolding of the tree!

Light up the old Balsam & Fir Yankee candle and no one’s the wiser.

Hey, nobody had to kill a tree, no haggling with toothless tree salesmen, there are no allergic reactions to the sap, no needles dropping all over the floor, no animals drinking the fetid water out of the stand and we save a pile of loot. It works for me!

After several photo sessions, I was finally able to capture this year’s Christmas card photo. With a little help from the associate who’s antics amused the wee boy, we were able to get some big smiles, laughs and fun shots.

As predicted, I waited until today to get my packages to the post office. I waited in a long line forever and tried to be patient as the employees obviously could have cared less how fast or slow they worked. They stopped working to carry on conversations with each other periodically and took time to chit chat with the customers about anything and everything and the line grew longer and longer.

I had wrenched my neck earlier in the day carrying that heavy sack of potatoes we call Alex, and was in considerable pain standing there in line waiting, waiting, waiting. At one point I thought I’d cry from the pain and prayed the line would move so I wouldn’t miss my chiropractor appointment. They were so kind as to fit me into their schedule so late in the day, if I missed it I knew I’d be doing a lot more than just crying.

40 minutes later, after listening to one slow-ass employee recount the history of his employment beginning from the time that the post office stopped allowing packages to be tied with string, I finally made it out. I called the chiropractor and they said I could still come over and I lived happily ever after. Well, ok, I went to Starbuck’s and got a grande decaf one-pump vanilla latte and some crumb cake first, then I lived happily ever after.

During these miserable days of kitchen remodeling that you are forced to endure, I hope the spirit of Nellie Olson keeps you strong. Practice these faces, use where appropriate, and don’t let the contractors get you down.

Here’s a little song I thought you’d like today: 

Here’s a tip for you parents out there. Don’t decide to show off your juggling skills to amuse your toddler. It’s a very bad idea.

Not only was I stupid enough to show Alex that I can juggle, but I demonstrated this fabulous skill with some of his cars. No, I’m clearly not smart enough to have juggled soft stuffed animals or anything soft for that matter. Now he is, of course, trying to copy what I did. He also chooses to throw heavy, hard objects into the air just like his brain damaged mother. He just caught a toy tamborine right in the noggin and has bounced cars, blocks and anything he can toss off my newly painted walls.

Maybe tomorrow I can show him how to light matches and run his hand through the flame.

Yes, you guessed it, I’m up for mother of the year.

Well, I’ve had a few busy weeks away from the blog and one would think I’d come back with a great post, but since a well written post takes me a ridiculous amount of time, you’ll have to settle for a quick recounting of the time I’ve been on blog break.

When last I left you my mother was staying with me for a couple of weeks. This was the worst time I have spent with my mother in over a decade. I’m not going to bore you with the miserable details but lets just say that wine is not her friend and this made for some painfully agonizing evenings. Her visit left me sad and depressed and this took me a bit of time to get past. My dear associate thought I could use some “alone time” to recuperate so she suggested that she take Alex to her family’s for Thanksgiving and leave me to enjoy some peace and quiet in the house. Those couple days were great and I filled every single second with things I haven’t been able to get to for months. I even started to paint the living room which is a project I began a month before Alex arrived.

Saturday after Thanksgiving, I got to play photographer’s assistant at a sort of swanky shindig (thanks bluberd.) It was fun and I got to learn how to use my big, honkin,’ new flash a little better, I didn’t really know how to use it at all so any information was welcome and the practice was great. What I hadn’t thought of before going was that I may have to actually talk to the people that I was shooting. This is not, I repeat, not my forte! I was instructed to “just go up and ask the people if they’d mind posing for a shot.” What? Uh, I think not! But as the evening went on I forced myself to do it because I had to and this was someone else’s job, someone who was kind enough to allow me to tag along—so I told myself to suck it down, open my stupid mouth and ask these stinking people if I could take their frakin’ photo! I did start to get the hang of it a little bit, and the fact that the people were drinking helped me a lot. Once they were a little loosened up they were so much more approachable.

Next up, Alex got a nasty cold which I promptly caught from him. This has lingered for a couple weeks and as a result I’ve gotten even further behind on all my work projects, which has added to my never ending anxiety and stress. Christmas is coming and I really need the meager shekels that I earn, no workey no money.

It was pointed out to me the other night that I’m mean. Don’t feel bad about saying this to me because it’s true. For the past 25 years, anger, bitterness and resentment have been accumulating inside me like it’s going out of style. I usually manage to keep it just at the breaking point but sometimes things happen that cause it to overflow and spill out on everything. My mother’s recent visit tipped the scales for me and I can’t seem to find my way back to keeping the beast chained up inside, perhaps it has grown too big for its cage. Although it is also the foundation of my personality, when kept at bay I suppose it is what makes me amusing but when there’s too much anger or resentment for me to control it comes out ugly and cruel. I say things I don’t even vaguely believe or mean to say.

Now it’s crunch time for Christmas. I hate this time of year. The pressure and frantic push to buy a bunch of shit for everyone makes me live on the verge of a panic attack for weeks. Then I have to make sure I get my parents junk packed up and shipped off to Florida on time. Always scrambling at the last minute, I stand in line at the post office for eons and swear that I will buy all their gifts in the summer next year so I’ll be prepared. But do I? Obviously not. I’m some sort of idiot masochist (the idiot savant’s bitchy, frazzled cousin). This year will be even worse because I can’t go rushing around any time I feel like it, there’s a boy I have to be taking care of during the prime racing and spending hours. I’m getting a cramp in my neck just thinking about this.

On that note, I should sign off on this long-winded, scattered topic laden post and try to get some sleep before the cat that the associate adopted after I vowed that we would be getting no new pets for a while (our highpoint was 4 or 5 cats and 2 dogs, I need a break), starts to piss off our one remaining cat resulting in a death match of claws, howls and screams in front of Alex’s door.

We’re meeting with a urologist this morning for a consultation about circumcising the wee boy. Conceptually it seems so barbaric to me. They are born just the way they are supposed to be, why do they need “correcting?” In no other country do they do that except for religious reasons. But as it has been pointed out to me on numerous occasions, he is in this country now.

I have this problem deciding to chop something off of someone without their consent simply for cosmetic reasons. There’s that B.S. argument about cleanliness but come on, I think they can learn to wash and take care of themselves unless they are a complete lazy scumbag. Girls have pretty intricate parts and manage to keep it clean.

But then there’s the fact that he’s already so different from everyone else. Adopted from another country, two mothers, probably will be somewhat short etc., should we then try to minimize the differences and do the circumcising? I just don’t know, this is a very difficult decision for me.

Any opinions are welcome!